What do we do now?

One of the things that has really been difficult in our house is having the older child have a myriad of special needs. I mean, I know it would be hard either way. What I’m referring to is doing all the work and research about all the things (Autism, ADHD, SPD, ODD, Hyperlexia), learning all the symptoms, all the ins and outs, then having a second child you are trying to raise. You start seeing signs and symptoms in all their actions. Are they in need of help too? Do they have special needs? My child hangs on me every waking moment, is that a symptom? Every decision you make is second guessed. Every action the child takes is second guessed. Is that a sign or did they just pick that up from watching big brother do it? It’s near impossible to tell and they sure as heck aren’t going to tell you. Do you really expect that? “Hey mom, I’m cool. I just thought this looked fun! I don’t have special needs!”

From the beginning our oldest was different. He never slept. Was extremely fussy. He achieved milestones early, but not that early to raise a flag. Then he was reading at age 3. From then on, my mother’s intuition would nag me. It’s like I was proud of him, yet, when other’s talked about how wonderful that was or dad talked about how he read at an early age, I felt like that wasn’t the same thing. Still, I accepted I had a smart son and maintained status quo. He went to preschool, made friends in class and seemed to do just fine. Sure he had regular melt downs at home or he could do math in his head. So what if he preferred school workbooks to toys from an early age. He was just smart and loved to learn. “But, but…” my mind kept saying, and I kept ignoring it. I’m a worrier by nature. I over react. That’s all. He’s just super smart, maybe he’ll go on to do great things with is life. Kindergarten start. Academically he’s the top of his class, but the teacher isn’t happy with how he interacts with his peers. He always plays alone at recess. I’m thinking: “So what?” Dad said he was the same way. He didn’t really care about having tons of friends. He turned out fine. Still conference after conference it’s a problem. Finally, the school psychologist analyzes him. Our GP refers us to a specialist. He gets the ADHD diagnosis. And the downward spiral so to speak. We start figuring things out as he starts showing more and more issues. The guilt sets in for me. “I knew something wasn’t right. Why didn’t I push harder earlier? I could have helped him sooner.” I’m sure every parent goes through some sort of self-blame game.  The thing is, we didn’t know. Now we do and we are helping.

So now we move to our younger son. He has always seemed “average.”  He played normal with toys, made friends, very active and so on. Goes to preschool and does great. Makes friends, seems great. So what if he knew his alphabet before the other kids. So what if he could count so much higher than most kids his age. He’s smart too. He learned a lot from his older brother. Right? Towards the end of his preschool experience, he starts having meltdowns at drop off. He doesn’t want to go. It’s a battle but we get thru it. The public school does a screening process for new kids coming in. C tests out great but he has a few “red flags” they will watch. I don’t even know what those things are, but they didn’t seem like a big deal at the time. We took him to the Autism Clinic that his brother got his diagnosis from to be assessed for any issues. Again, he tests out fine with a few ‘red flags’ but he’s too social for them to officially test him. “He’s fine.” Now he’s in kindergarten and it’s happening again. He often complains about not feeling well. He doesn’t like how long the day of school lasts. He’s exhausted at the end of the day. We are having melt downs all the time over the smallest things. He has started asking for tags to be cut out of more and more of his clothes or he refuses to wear certain things because of how they feel. He is more vocal about what foods he is willing to try; he gags at the smell of some foods. (SPD flags!) He is in constant motion. He is never ever still! He ‘forgets’ what he did in a day at school. He struggles pushing through something he finds hard, preferring the tossing it aside and crying about it method. (ADHD flags!) He uses his ‘outside’ voice all the time. He knows how to read, basic addition/subtraction and even some multiplication, but he doesn’t want us to know he knows.

There is no longer a psychologist at the school. The teacher thinks he’s just an emotionally sensitive kid who may need a bit longer to develop in some areas, but he’s academically fine. Do we push and fight to ‘pin a diagnosis’ on him? Do we let things ride a while longer and see how he does? What if he really does have special needs and we don’t help him right away? What if, what if what if…? What do we do now?